The Right to be Kind

Have you ever known anyone who’ve made it difficult for you to decide if they are a kind or cruel person? If you have, I don’t need to explain any further do I?

For the rest of you, recently I was forced to make a decision about someone. I usually don’t have a lot of difficulty in clearing a good intention from a bad one, a kind person or cruel one, a person I would like to keep in my life or not. But this time, I realized I have been struggling to make this decision, because mainly he seemed to carry two complete different personalities:

A kind person, that wouldn’t even bear seeing me hungry, upset, cold or disappointed. If I had a slightest issue in any part of my life, he was there, he wanted to help me solve it. And the other, someone who would not call if you really needed them to talk to, someone who would be there when they wanted to, someone who would not give more than a certain amount, someone who would go silent when they were busy or needed some space. Someone, that would not give all of themselves..

I had battles with myself, going back and forth trying to decide if this person is a kind person or cruel. My friends around me kept insisting that he is cruel, and the rest is just being fake. But in my heart I knew that was not true. I could feel his kindness when he was one. And I could see how much he cared. He was a kind person, sometimes..

The question for me was, how a kind person like that, be so cruel and heartless in other times, how could my feelings don’t mean anything to him. I could not believe this would be possible. Until I realized what my mistake was:

I was seeing black and white again. I knew either a kind person or a cruel one. Until I tried to understand his train of thoughts, his path of actions, and see if I understand the pattern.

And I realized, most of my character judgments come from assumption, from previous boxes that I had created for people. Which might not work for everyone. The reality is, there are many factors that I had not considered and many more personalities that I had not yet met. And then it came to me:

He did kind things, because he was a kind person, but a kind person from his own point of view. He was kind when he thought he was supposed to be, when it was right in his mind. He was cruel when he thought it was a right thing to do. It was all because he himself thought it was a right thing to do. Strong, stable, quite admirable actually. What was missing here? Why didn’t this feel right to me, even though it carries the word integrity, and a great way to act?

The missing link was Empathy. He did not consider others opinions or feelings. He didn’t think even though he thought it was not needed to call, he might have been wrong. Until of course he was about to lose something or get into trouble. I realized why this whole system and behaviour didn’t feel right. He wouldn’t FEEL what I felt.

Empathy plays a bigger role in our lives than we realize sometimes. If you don’t know and feel empathy, you will be a machine that makes “right” choices. Forgetting the fact that no matter how “unreasonable”  another soul’s emotions and feelings might look or sound, they matter, and they affect your life after,

Empathy brings people together in a more subtle way, and a more enjoyable way. You don’t always need to be right, but be human and feel what another person feels.

Being kind, or being right, or even being cruel, all becomes meaningless if you do not feel what another feels. Intention always shows its effect at the end, no matter how “kind” you have been in your life.

I tend to surround myself with people who have empathy and are kind, because they can not help themselves, not just because they think it’s the “right” thing to do. The “right” thing, might not worth doing when is hurting another soul.

Let’s feel each other, I’m just saying.



Post-It Note of the morning.

I can feel my heart, and it’s fit to burst, I try to clean it up, but I just get worse,

wish I could fall, on a night like this,

into you loving arms, for a moonlight kiss

I thought I saw your face, in an evening sky

on a lonesome cloud that was drifting by

wish I could fall, on a night like this, to your loving arms for a moonlight kiss..

You got someone else, maybe it’s for the best.

since I took the cure, for happiness, and I’d trade it all, on a night like this, for your loving arms, and a moonlight kiss..

Bap Kennedy, Moonlight kiss, Serendipity sound track, one of my favourite movies. Universe and its powers..

Post-It Note of the day:

If your experience of yourself is object-referred, it is fear-based and resistance to what is. if your experience of yourself is self-referred, it is love-based and accepting of what is. Self-acceptance, total self-acceptance means self-forgiveness.

Deepak Chopra, Power Freedom and Grace.

Thank you Mr. Big…

I was reading about Grace today, I have always had a hard time understanding grace, let alone carry it with me. My mother is the definition of it, and I have always admired her, although at times she has made me quite angry and unimportant with her indifferent attitude(or at least I thought it was indifference at the time)…
Living beyond the good or bad, not getting effected by the ego, being bigger than the worldly behaviours, it’s grace. Her not responding to my toxic words, or feeding to my ego, was not ignorance or treating me like a fool, but showing how there are more important things in life, and how much of a bigger person you can be in the times of dissatisfaction. This had always made me wonder why would the universe give me a mother who has such grace, while I don’t carry any.
Until I met a guy, lets call him Mr. big ( you know in the honour of sex and the city, I know what you think, but if you were a single girl in love with NYC you would have loved this show too)…
Mr. big was confident, positive, in the moment, charming, indifferent, and if I have to end his attitude with a word here, would be Solid. He wasn’t very expressive about his feelings, but he always said the right things, which reminded me of someone; My mother. I felt warm and at home around him. Not because I felt like he was my mother!!( Are you kidding??) But because I felt an admiration for him, without even knowing him that well.
I still don’t know him that well (I think). But for a long time I was blaming him for walking away or not expressing his feelings, or being indifferent or careless about my feelings, and finally being a lier. Someone that is too much of a coward to be honest and say what needs to be said, as he always said what I needed to hear. A perfect word wizard, a charmer.
Until one day I felt that I had enough and walked away. I could not take the lack of passion and indifference in him, and said goodbye. That was when I received an email from him, and heard the truth between his words; Grace.
Kindness usually brings grace along with it, when you care about others, not breaking their heart and letting little things go becomes a package for being graceful. And if you are a student of grace like me and do not understand this kind of behaviour, it will all look like indifference, carelessness and a lie.
He was kind, graceful and saw the big picture, that is why he didn’t want to hurt me. Silence does not always mean meanness, and I thank him for teaching me this. Sometimes people come to your life just to complete the lesson you’ve been trying to learn all your life.
I am not sure if I ever see him again, but I am motivated by his presence and his warmth to carry on grace with me from now on.
Good or bad are just two opposites of an experience, once we live beyond such judgement, we will experience grace. So next time you start to judge someone for their lack of words, or honesty, take a second and consider grace…

Thought of the day

I have decided to think out loud here today.
The part that makes writing difficult is the mind, trying to write something great. It’s ironic that the mind that helps us write, also keeps us from writing. So the shorter the columns and the faster they are written, the more helpful they will be in getting the motor running. So here we go, today I have decide to just write and see how easy it is to write when you don’t think!

The right to be famous.

A homeless man picture, credit to Humans of New York.
Humans of New York is a website owned by a young photographer in New York City, which captures images of ordinary people on the streets, usually with a comment or a story about them attached. The other day I saw yet another image of a guy in need, posted on HONY that made everyone jump out to help him, a homeless guy that on a regular basis we probably would pass by and not even notice…
This made me wonder; What is so different about seeing a homeless man on a Facebook page from seeing them on the street?
And I remembered a comment from Oprah Winfrey, that the one thing all of her nearly 30,000 guests had in common: They all wanted validation. According to her, every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’…
So what about this homeless man? Why do we see him differently now? Is it because these images were seen by everyone? Has the image on a website made them get validated? Did it Make others to have more empathy when they feel the validation? Is it because that man now is  famous?…
Fame brings love, brings validation, and everyone wants to be a part of that…
Why is fame so attractive, why do so many of us want to be famous? What is fame anyway?
They say fame is not real, but an illusion that others have of you, a story that they make of you and fall in love with. Is this true? Seems that it all depends on what you show, if the show is real, they will fall in love with the truth, you will become famous for your truth, part of it anyhow.
So why do we want to be famous? Is it to be rich? You can be rich without being famous, is it to be powerful? You can be powerful without being famous, is it to be loved?…
That is the bottom line, isn’t it? Being loved, being validated is at the bottom of this. Being loved, brings us back to our truest self, getting a stamp of approval for just being on this planet, for being who we are.
As every human being deserves to be validated (Why else would they be on this planet, if they did not have the right to be) is it safe to say; Every human being has the right to be famous? Or better say; Does every single one of us have the right to be known? As we are all unique souls on this planet (Or whatever you want to call us), don’t we all deserve to be known by ALL?
Imagine if every single person on this earth was well-known, was praised for their unique talents, for just being here and loved for their strengths or weaknesses. A massive classroom that is filled with famous kids, being praised for what they are bringing to the table.
I believe in what Oprah says; We are all looking to be validated, validated for simply being on this earth, if that was happening, we could just stop “trying” to prove ourselves to the world, and start being ourselves, who we were meant to be, be loved and be famous for being just as we are.
Fame is not fake, it’s a reality mistaken for a “privilege for the lucky”. I believe this is the reason why when a person in need of help is put under a magnifying glass, we all jump out to help. Because deep down we all know; Every person needs to be famous, every person needs to be validated. And most of the time we need a camera with a zoom in feature to help us “see” the others.
If only our eyes were as equipped as our phones and cameras…. Let us see each other, and validate each other, we are all famous, in the eyes of a beholder.

Too much to say and non at all…

Have you ever reached a moment that you felt there is nothing left to say? And yet again, there were thousand words a second marching pass your eyes, thinking; But if I wanted to say something, this would be it. And then the broken record goes on and on, and yet again, your heart takes of the needle and says: There is nothing that needs to be said sweetheart, you have your answer…Too much to say and non at all…


I received a message the other day from someone, that maybe 6 months ago would have been the name I wanted to see on my phone. Of course, it always comes when you are passed the desire to receive any, moved on and are happy. It made me smile. He had mentioned something in the message that he use to make fun of, he was trying to be cute and it made me smile for a split second, and then, that was it. Nothing else followed. No apology, not an open heart, no sign of trying to make things right, just a breeze of the past.
I put the phone down and smiled at my friend, she said; aren’t you gonna answer him? I said; what would I say to this? all that pain and all that heartache, and this is it. Too much to say and non at all. She said: What if there was a gesture?
I saw a movie about big gestures, when a guy does a woman wrong, in a slightest bit, and needs to make a big gesture to make it right, if there is a slightest chance to make it right, he needs to have a slightest care in his heart to do so. And this made me wonder; Would I have done differently if there was a gesture. I do not know, and I would never know I guess. But I do know, if you need to turn a heart in the opposite direction, you need a big move on the wheel to do so.
To forgive just means to accept the past for what it was and not to close your heart because of a hard lesson that you had to learn. So as I forgive and not forget, I smile and put the phone down. It is all been said and non at all…